The Brutal Truth: What only a Mom thinks while Running

I read this link (http://www.iloverunningmagazine.com/stories/running-jokes/thoughts-that-every-runner-has-during-a-run/)  about thoughts that runners have and felt that most of them are true. But after having kids, there are definitely some thoughts that are quite different than before. And they are not pleasant. They are not polite. They will probably offend some people. But they are the honest truth, and what only another mom can relate to.

 Here is my list of what a mom thinks when she runs:



1. Ok, I’ve looked at my ass from every possible angle in the mirror – no one can see the giant pad I’m wearing for pee protection
2. Oh no, that person looked at me, they must be able to see my pad
3. It’s ok, just get onto the path and not many people will be able to see you
4. Shit this sucks
5. Can’t do it today, too hard
6. Keep going, almost there
7. Really?
8. No, you haven’t even finished your first of five laps yet
9. Just get up this hill
10. Down hill, wee!
11. Oh no, lots of pee
12. Still lots of pee
13. Can people see it?
14. Maybe if I bend down and pretend to check my shoe, I can look at my crotch to make sure there is no visible pee
15. Yay no pee came through!
16. Keep running
17. Oh no, does my bra feel wet?
18. Is it sweat, or are my boobs leaking?
19. Ok, just flick the shirt like you’re hot, and have a quick peek.
20. Yay no milk came through!
21. This is too hard
22. Keep going, can’t be one of those moms who gains 50lbs after having kids
23. Just can’t be that woman!
24. “Remember her, she used to be so thin before kids….”
25. No, I won’t let that be me!
26. Shouldn’t you just be comfortable in your own body?
27. Shut up brain
28. Focus on running
29. Why did that guy just look at me, did pee come through yet?
30.  No, I’ve been through this many times, I’m fine!
31. Why do I even have to run? Why do women have to deal with this? Isn’t it enough that we go through the horrific pain of childbirth, destroy our bodies for our children, have saggy, leaky boobs and wider hips? Shouldn’t we just be rewarded with “wow, you’ve gone through all that? Have your old body back.”
32. Men don’t understand
33. Why am I doing this? My husband still thinks I’m beautiful and perfect
34. Aww, hubby
35. I miss him
36. I miss spending time with him on the couch, watching a movie over a glass of wine.
37. How can I live with someone and miss them so much?
38. He’s so amazing and supportive
39. He should have the best wife in the world
40. Not one with a saggy gross tummy
41. Not that he cares, but I care
42. Is it wrong to want to be sexy again?
43. No, keep running!
44. I do want to be sexy again!
45. Come on, hill! I’m going to make you by bitch
46. Down hill, wee
47. Oh no, more pee
48. Is it wrong to want to be a hot mom?
49. Not even hot, I’ll settle for “mildly attractive” again
50. At least I’ve got my daily allotment of one piece of chocolate waiting for me after this
51. Oh chocolate, I miss you, too. But we can’t have the kind of relationship we used to have 10 years ago
52. God, has it been that long since my undergrad? Since highschool?
53. But I have two wonderful kids now, and a house and husband
54. And love handles and pudge everywhere
55. Ok, almost done. One more hill
57. Pump it, come on!
57. Woo, top of the final hill!
58. Just downhill till the end
59. Oh no, more pee
60. Finished my run!
61. And….. yay, no pee showed!

Stages of Grief Mirror Short Naps....

My 4 month old has had a lot of trouble sleeping in his crib. For the first three months, he would only nap on me – the instant I put him down he would wake up, and be up for another 2 hours. This is extremely draining, both emotionally and physically. But a few weeks ago it seemed like we were making progress. He would take a nap in his crib for 45 to 90min. Still not as long as if he were on me, but not bad. I got a little break. But the past few days feel like a complete regression to those months when he would sleep only on me. And I couldn’t help but notice, as I picked him out of his crib today after another 20 minute nap, that what I experienced were the “classic” stages of grief. I’m not sure what this says about me. I don't mean to make light of the stages of grief, or the pain anyone has experienced (I too have gone through these from losing people close to me). But I thought it was interesting. This is what normally goes through my mind:

Denial

No, I didn’t just hear him make a noise. He’s still asleep. Just leave him be.

Anger

Seriously? You’re up already? Why can’t I just have a few minutes to myself?!

Bargaining

Would some more milk put you back to sleep? How about some bouncing / rocking?

Depression

No, he’s up. Sigh.

Acceptance

All right, let’s go watch the rest of that Buffy episode and play on the floor for another 2 hours.

Running Water

I closed my eyes before my first child was born, and saw myself with cupped hands, trying to catch a steady stream of pouring water that was my life. It’s impossible to keep water in the hands, but yet I kept trying; kept feeling and thinking I need to do this but I can’t! I need to do that but I can’t! Too much to do for a working mother-to-be. Too impossible to hold that small stream, like the flow from a tap, in my hands.

I closed my eyes weeks after my son was born, and saw myself with cupped hands. No longer was I trying to hold a small, steady stream coming from a tap hooked into the world. I was soaked; trying to catch a wall of water raining upon me. The first stream had been impossible, but it was small and simple. The downpour was overwhelming. I couldn’t hold one drop – it splashed away too quickly and fell too fast, too hard. It washed away my tears, ran down my lips and soaked through my skin. I tried to control a wall of running water with my two little hands.

But I was never drowning. The water never left me numb nor burned. It was merely life; a life that could sustain nothing more than being a new mother; than watching over the most beautiful child ever created. It was life that needed to be let go, refocused for the new path of motherhood. I now follow the stream directed by my children; it’s rapid and I can’t control it, but I don’t feel the need to, either.

New Creative Outlets

As the mom of a very busy toddler, and a full time employee, and quite preggers, I haven't had much time for writing. The holidays were, as they are for everyone, very busy. I had some time to read, but it's much harder to find time to write because of how difficult it is to be torn away from the computer in the middle of a sentence when my son wakes from his nap. While nothing replaces the excitement I feel when writing, I've been finding new creative outlets. The first has been cooking / baking, and the other is getting my crafty on! I can take no credit for being the creative mind behind my creations - I merely saw what others had done through pinterest or online somewhere - and just put the work into making them. 


The first holiday I tried this year was Hallowe'en. One of my favourites, I wanted to do something special this year for our house (named Arkham Manor), but have never been a fan of what a friend describes as "Orange Christmas." To me, Hallowe'en decorations shouldn't be inflatable, but kind of spooky and more "real" than cheerful Christmas-style ones. I also needed something that I thought would be easy based on materials. I went with creepy window silhouettes. My dad was working on a new apartment building at the time and was able to snag me water-heater boxes that I could use. The result was very successful - I had parents and kids telling me how great the house looked. And even a few weeks ago a neighbour I saw mentioned my great Hallowe'en decorations. 

 

One of my other favourite parts of Hallowe'en is the costumes. I love dress-up, love costumes, and want to do something special every year. But when you're preggers, it's hard to plan a costume around a body that is expanding at a rate you're just not sure of. So I saw this really cute idea for myself and set to working making it.

I thought the baby skeleton was cute, and the shirt only cost a few dollars at Salvation Army, and the paint a few more at Michael's crafts. As you can see, my little guy is wearing something that is obviously a DIY costume (because let's face it, I'm not that good yet). I thought sewing - how hard can it be? Hard! That one little costume took many many lunch hours at work to complete. But he is clearly the cutest Musketeer that ever was!

Next came Christmas. I also get pretty excited for this holiday, as I love the spirit of the season, I guess you could say. I like doing something a little extra nice for people and adding a personal touch to their gifts when I can. But since I'm a novice DIYer, it needs to be cheap and easy. I saw a really simple but pretty ornament I could make, followed the instructions, and it turned out really neat.

It's simply a glass ornament with popcorn popped on the inside in the microwave, with a red ribbon added. Easy to make but pretty cool, and cheap. I made them for my co-workers this year.

My husband is a computer nerd who never provides Christmas suggestions for gifts. So I went to Google again and saw a neat ornament made from RAM that looked pretty easy. The university I work at has a "surplus" site where you can bid on old office equipment that departments are clearing out. I saw a computer that had no front USB ports (in fact it had a floppy disk drive) and no working power source. I bid one dollar and got it, then gutted it for the RAM and turned it into something unique to hang on our tree.

 

Finally, I have a good friend doing her PhD at the moment. While scrolling facebook one day, this blog appeared for a "Graduate School Barbie" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-zgoda/graduate-student-barbie_b_4184482.html).  Between my degrees and my job at the university, I've been in academia for over 10 years now and thought everything the author of the blog had to say was pretty accurate of the grad student experience. And very funny. I picked up a cheap Barbie at Wal-Mart and replaced her fun party dress and flashy purse for a sensible shirt and skirt combo I made (thought the material for the skirt was pretty grad-school-ish), and gave the box a make-over. My friend enjoys her new toy!

So those have been my DIY adventures. I must say, it's very hard work. I'm happy all my crafting can come to an end for a few months. I don't know how people who do it full-time sustain the energy to keep it going. I'll stick with cooking for a little while now - it's not quite as time consuming and my son likes to help. Writing is just so much easier, but at least I know that when my life is this hectic (and about to get a lot more so in 2 months), I still have a creative flame that can't be extinguished.