As someone who always keeps a running journal to jot down my thoughts, I can easily flip through the past year and see what stood out. Here are a few highlights from 2015
Depression poems published! (http://understoreymagazine.ca/article/postpartum-three-poems/)
The joy of yoga! (which will be full again in January...)
Feeling fat, but also feeling strong and seeing successful weight loss
My baby starting daycare
Vettel moving to Ferrari
My best friend's baby!
My other best friends tragic ectopic pregnancy
Accepting that my body fed my kids, so it's okay that it's not what it used to be.
Building a backyard for the kids
Discovering two new favourite authors; Fiona McIntosh and Kate Morton
Writing again!
Mudhero with my Mom
A love of sewing
Our family is complete
Going off my antidepressants a year early
Another autumn late night trip to the ER, this time for an ovarian cyst rupture
A wonderful visit from my mother and sister in law
A fun escape to Toronto for a few days
Trudeau sweeping in with a majority
A disappointing tendinitis that set me back almost 2 months of running
Getting back up to 5K by the end of the year
A tooth extraction
orthotics
And finally, on December 28 I saw Star Wars with Tim and my Dad
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
Hallunications Hovering
Over a year ago my husband took me to the ER
at 2am while my mom came to watch the kids. My brain had experienced such
intense sleep deprivation that I experienced a hypnagogic hallucination. I felt
a few more throughout the months that followed that trip, but fortunately it's
not overly dangerous and as long as someone can be with me at the time I didn't
need to go to the hospital.
It's not dangerous, but it's terrifying. It always began the same; my arms would start to jerk and spaz uncontrollably. This was shortly followed by my grasp on reality - that grasp that the majority of people have all the time and never really think about - slipping away. I could feel my sanity being taken from me. Stolen by a lack of sleep. The most frightening part is that it doesn't happen instantly. It takes a few minutes of laying there, wrestling with it, fighting to stay sane. Bargaining, offering anything, anything to stay sane. My mantra would become "stay with me, stay with me" because it feels like I'm about to disappear into madness.Of the times that it took over, it lasts for about an hour. You talk, chatter, jerk, swim on the floor, watch your hands floating, giggle and spin around. And somewhere in the back you're still there, but you won't be able to get back to "normal" for at least an hour.
Sometimes I was able to fight it back, keep it at bay. It's been so long since I've experienced that. But then last night I came so close. I must have forgotten to take my sleeping pills because at 12:30am I was still wide awake (normally I fall asleep around 9:30-10pm). My arms started to spaz and the fear of losing my mind returned. I chanted to myself to stay sane, to "stay with me." I took another, or the first, pill and was lucky to fall back to sleep instantly.
But coming so close again made me realise just how deep this wound is. Over a year ago the initial "break" occurred, and yet I'm still extremely sensitive to sleep deprivation. Our minds are so fragile. It's not like a broken bone that heals and then you're okay. The wounds of the mind take years to heal, yet no one can see it.
And in case you are wondering, the sleeping medication I'm on is Quetiapine. Also known as Seroquel. This drug is not a "sleeping pill" - it's an anti-psychotic and in high doses is used for schizophrenic patients. I'm on 50 a night. If I were to take 100 a night, I would be sedated. That's how sever my sleep disorder is, how fragile my mind is right now. Still, after 15 months.
It's not dangerous, but it's terrifying. It always began the same; my arms would start to jerk and spaz uncontrollably. This was shortly followed by my grasp on reality - that grasp that the majority of people have all the time and never really think about - slipping away. I could feel my sanity being taken from me. Stolen by a lack of sleep. The most frightening part is that it doesn't happen instantly. It takes a few minutes of laying there, wrestling with it, fighting to stay sane. Bargaining, offering anything, anything to stay sane. My mantra would become "stay with me, stay with me" because it feels like I'm about to disappear into madness.Of the times that it took over, it lasts for about an hour. You talk, chatter, jerk, swim on the floor, watch your hands floating, giggle and spin around. And somewhere in the back you're still there, but you won't be able to get back to "normal" for at least an hour.
Sometimes I was able to fight it back, keep it at bay. It's been so long since I've experienced that. But then last night I came so close. I must have forgotten to take my sleeping pills because at 12:30am I was still wide awake (normally I fall asleep around 9:30-10pm). My arms started to spaz and the fear of losing my mind returned. I chanted to myself to stay sane, to "stay with me." I took another, or the first, pill and was lucky to fall back to sleep instantly.
But coming so close again made me realise just how deep this wound is. Over a year ago the initial "break" occurred, and yet I'm still extremely sensitive to sleep deprivation. Our minds are so fragile. It's not like a broken bone that heals and then you're okay. The wounds of the mind take years to heal, yet no one can see it.
And in case you are wondering, the sleeping medication I'm on is Quetiapine. Also known as Seroquel. This drug is not a "sleeping pill" - it's an anti-psychotic and in high doses is used for schizophrenic patients. I'm on 50 a night. If I were to take 100 a night, I would be sedated. That's how sever my sleep disorder is, how fragile my mind is right now. Still, after 15 months.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Feminist Experiment
As 2015 comes to a close, I've noticed there
are still so many articles about women being threatened just because they
identify as a feminist. Serious threats, such as rape, murder, and murder of
family members. Yet when these cowards (because that's what they are) issue
the threats, they are not held accountable. I'm not entirely sure why, as I
haven't experienced these threats. If I did, I would call the police. Threats
like that should not be taken lightly. Yet thousands are made every day. I'm
sure some of those women have contacted the authorities, but nothing is done.
So some women take matters into their own hands and contact the mans employers
(awesome) or their family members (equally awesome) in an attempt to get some
kind of action. Because if the police aren't going to take it seriously then
what other options are there than to take matters into
their own hands?
So this is my experiment. I, a person who wields no influence over the general masses, am going to start writing some feminist-esk blogs to see what happens. Will people I don't know threaten me? Will they attempt to belittle me and spew cruelties at me? It hasn't happened yet, but once I announce to the internet that I'm a feminist, will I be attacked because I want equality for women and men?
I'm not into twitter and my facebook is just personal, so I won't be tearing up social media unless friends share my blog posts. I work full time and am a mom when not at work, then I sleep. So I don't really have time to live on the internet as well.
Here is my first feminist statement, with more to follow over the next few weeks. These are just a few, feel free to add your own in the comments.
5 Reasons Why We Need Feminism:
(in no order)
1. So when a serial rapist, who happens to be a famous male, is caught, he will go to jail
2. So women never, ever, feel like they are to blame after being assaulted / sexually assaulted
3. So students are educated early in life that feminism only means equality for men and women
4. To do away with the ridiculous saying "boys will be boys" when boys are acting in a way towards girls that deserves discipline
5. And, on the lighter side, so there will be a sitcom / popular show with a plus size, average looking woman married to a typical "hot" man, instead of the other way around like it always is
So this is my experiment. I, a person who wields no influence over the general masses, am going to start writing some feminist-esk blogs to see what happens. Will people I don't know threaten me? Will they attempt to belittle me and spew cruelties at me? It hasn't happened yet, but once I announce to the internet that I'm a feminist, will I be attacked because I want equality for women and men?
I'm not into twitter and my facebook is just personal, so I won't be tearing up social media unless friends share my blog posts. I work full time and am a mom when not at work, then I sleep. So I don't really have time to live on the internet as well.
Here is my first feminist statement, with more to follow over the next few weeks. These are just a few, feel free to add your own in the comments.
5 Reasons Why We Need Feminism:
(in no order)
1. So when a serial rapist, who happens to be a famous male, is caught, he will go to jail
2. So women never, ever, feel like they are to blame after being assaulted / sexually assaulted
3. So students are educated early in life that feminism only means equality for men and women
4. To do away with the ridiculous saying "boys will be boys" when boys are acting in a way towards girls that deserves discipline
5. And, on the lighter side, so there will be a sitcom / popular show with a plus size, average looking woman married to a typical "hot" man, instead of the other way around like it always is
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