Weight Loss = sucks!

I like a challenge. I'm a goal-orientated person and there is usually something I'm working towards that when I get started I will finish. Usually it's writing-related, but with a 3 and 1 year old, my writing life is pretty much on hiatus for the next few years. So I've turned my attention from emotional/mental/imaginary purging (i.e. writing) to physical purging (i.e. that extra baby weight).

Weight loss is hard. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. There is no fab diet, no perfect exercise, and trust me, no amount of wishing will make the weight disappear. Like most women, I've taken up this challenge before with varying levels of commitment and success. But there are now added hurdles than when I was 18. I've had two kids, take sleeping medication that often causes weight gain, and am 30 (soon to be 31). So I have those issues combined with all the normal difficulties that come with weight loss. 

The hardest part is the waiting. Like I said, there is no quick fix. It is a slow process that can yield great results, but patience is a virtue with this goal. And something I do not have a lot of! I want to see the results immediately. That's partly based on the impatient person that I am, and partly based on how our society functions nowadays. We need the instant results, but they just don't come when trying to slim down. I want to wake up tomorrow and have all my old clothes not only fit, but be too big. Like other people, I find this very frustrating and at times discouraging. You're doing all you can, working hard and cutting out all the food you love, only to have no results after a month or two. It is frustrating, and it does make me want to say "fuck it" sometimes and eat a whole bag of nibs. I think "it's not working, why keep trying?" So not only is losing weight a physical challenge, it also requires some emotional and mental discipline.

I'm taking this so seriously I'm counting calories, and trying for putting more out than I take in. I've heard from doctors that it will give positive results. There are some difficulties with it, though. I don't like my veggies. Never have, so when I'm calorie counting that is extra hard. Veggies have little calories for lots of food, but unfortunately they have never really been my thing. I've discovered the ultimate truth: calories = flavour. The more calories, usually the better something tastes. And don't drink juice, but I cut that little fattener out mid-summer and now drink 2L of water a day. This again is where the discipline comes in.

Finally there is exercise. I love to be active. I'm lucky enough to work at Dal, where I have access to a free private shower and an hour for lunch so I can get a good cardio workout in. I had been running 5K since Christmas, but Halifax is not doing so well with sidewalk management. I don't have time to run at home, and now I don't have a place to run during my lunch hour. My boss suggested I try doing stairs. My office is attached to the Tupper Building - Dalhousie's 16 story medical facility. I started off running up the stairs, and after 3 flights was exhausted and needed a breather. But I made it up, and down, and did it for a total of 4 times! that's 64 flights of stairs I conquered. And if the weather is any indication, I'll be doing it tomorrow, too. Again, weight loss does not come quick. If you start working out and don't see immediate results, that's normal but tough to deal with. Find alternatives when you're slowed down and don't give up. I am not looking forward to those stairs tomorrow, but I am looking forward to looking like my pre-baby self in a bathing suit again! (maybe even a little bit better this time!)

It is super easy to get discouraged and super hard to deal with whatever issues you have with your body. But one of my mantra's while I'm working out is: "I'm not doing this to look good while I do it, but to look good when I'm trying to." Find something that works for you. I often think of the scene in the Empire Strikes Back, when Yoda lifts the ship out of the swamp using the force and Luke says "I don't believe it." Yoga replies with "That is why you fail." I never believed I could run 5K without stopping, and now I've registered for my first run (Mud Hero). It sounds super cheesy, but if you want to be successful (with weight loss or whatever), you have to acknowledge your limitations, find ways to deal with them, and never stop believing that you can do it. Because that is when your fail.

The Brutal Truth: What only a Mom thinks while Running

I read this link (http://www.iloverunningmagazine.com/stories/running-jokes/thoughts-that-every-runner-has-during-a-run/)  about thoughts that runners have and felt that most of them are true. But after having kids, there are definitely some thoughts that are quite different than before. And they are not pleasant. They are not polite. They will probably offend some people. But they are the honest truth, and what only another mom can relate to.

 Here is my list of what a mom thinks when she runs:



1. Ok, I’ve looked at my ass from every possible angle in the mirror – no one can see the giant pad I’m wearing for pee protection
2. Oh no, that person looked at me, they must be able to see my pad
3. It’s ok, just get onto the path and not many people will be able to see you
4. Shit this sucks
5. Can’t do it today, too hard
6. Keep going, almost there
7. Really?
8. No, you haven’t even finished your first of five laps yet
9. Just get up this hill
10. Down hill, wee!
11. Oh no, lots of pee
12. Still lots of pee
13. Can people see it?
14. Maybe if I bend down and pretend to check my shoe, I can look at my crotch to make sure there is no visible pee
15. Yay no pee came through!
16. Keep running
17. Oh no, does my bra feel wet?
18. Is it sweat, or are my boobs leaking?
19. Ok, just flick the shirt like you’re hot, and have a quick peek.
20. Yay no milk came through!
21. This is too hard
22. Keep going, can’t be one of those moms who gains 50lbs after having kids
23. Just can’t be that woman!
24. “Remember her, she used to be so thin before kids….”
25. No, I won’t let that be me!
26. Shouldn’t you just be comfortable in your own body?
27. Shut up brain
28. Focus on running
29. Why did that guy just look at me, did pee come through yet?
30.  No, I’ve been through this many times, I’m fine!
31. Why do I even have to run? Why do women have to deal with this? Isn’t it enough that we go through the horrific pain of childbirth, destroy our bodies for our children, have saggy, leaky boobs and wider hips? Shouldn’t we just be rewarded with “wow, you’ve gone through all that? Have your old body back.”
32. Men don’t understand
33. Why am I doing this? My husband still thinks I’m beautiful and perfect
34. Aww, hubby
35. I miss him
36. I miss spending time with him on the couch, watching a movie over a glass of wine.
37. How can I live with someone and miss them so much?
38. He’s so amazing and supportive
39. He should have the best wife in the world
40. Not one with a saggy gross tummy
41. Not that he cares, but I care
42. Is it wrong to want to be sexy again?
43. No, keep running!
44. I do want to be sexy again!
45. Come on, hill! I’m going to make you by bitch
46. Down hill, wee
47. Oh no, more pee
48. Is it wrong to want to be a hot mom?
49. Not even hot, I’ll settle for “mildly attractive” again
50. At least I’ve got my daily allotment of one piece of chocolate waiting for me after this
51. Oh chocolate, I miss you, too. But we can’t have the kind of relationship we used to have 10 years ago
52. God, has it been that long since my undergrad? Since highschool?
53. But I have two wonderful kids now, and a house and husband
54. And love handles and pudge everywhere
55. Ok, almost done. One more hill
57. Pump it, come on!
57. Woo, top of the final hill!
58. Just downhill till the end
59. Oh no, more pee
60. Finished my run!
61. And….. yay, no pee showed!

Stages of Grief Mirror Short Naps....

My 4 month old has had a lot of trouble sleeping in his crib. For the first three months, he would only nap on me – the instant I put him down he would wake up, and be up for another 2 hours. This is extremely draining, both emotionally and physically. But a few weeks ago it seemed like we were making progress. He would take a nap in his crib for 45 to 90min. Still not as long as if he were on me, but not bad. I got a little break. But the past few days feel like a complete regression to those months when he would sleep only on me. And I couldn’t help but notice, as I picked him out of his crib today after another 20 minute nap, that what I experienced were the “classic” stages of grief. I’m not sure what this says about me. I don't mean to make light of the stages of grief, or the pain anyone has experienced (I too have gone through these from losing people close to me). But I thought it was interesting. This is what normally goes through my mind:

Denial

No, I didn’t just hear him make a noise. He’s still asleep. Just leave him be.

Anger

Seriously? You’re up already? Why can’t I just have a few minutes to myself?!

Bargaining

Would some more milk put you back to sleep? How about some bouncing / rocking?

Depression

No, he’s up. Sigh.

Acceptance

All right, let’s go watch the rest of that Buffy episode and play on the floor for another 2 hours.