Running Water

I closed my eyes before my first child was born, and saw myself with cupped hands, trying to catch a steady stream of pouring water that was my life. It’s impossible to keep water in the hands, but yet I kept trying; kept feeling and thinking I need to do this but I can’t! I need to do that but I can’t! Too much to do for a working mother-to-be. Too impossible to hold that small stream, like the flow from a tap, in my hands.

I closed my eyes weeks after my son was born, and saw myself with cupped hands. No longer was I trying to hold a small, steady stream coming from a tap hooked into the world. I was soaked; trying to catch a wall of water raining upon me. The first stream had been impossible, but it was small and simple. The downpour was overwhelming. I couldn’t hold one drop – it splashed away too quickly and fell too fast, too hard. It washed away my tears, ran down my lips and soaked through my skin. I tried to control a wall of running water with my two little hands.

But I was never drowning. The water never left me numb nor burned. It was merely life; a life that could sustain nothing more than being a new mother; than watching over the most beautiful child ever created. It was life that needed to be let go, refocused for the new path of motherhood. I now follow the stream directed by my children; it’s rapid and I can’t control it, but I don’t feel the need to, either.

New Creative Outlets

As the mom of a very busy toddler, and a full time employee, and quite preggers, I haven't had much time for writing. The holidays were, as they are for everyone, very busy. I had some time to read, but it's much harder to find time to write because of how difficult it is to be torn away from the computer in the middle of a sentence when my son wakes from his nap. While nothing replaces the excitement I feel when writing, I've been finding new creative outlets. The first has been cooking / baking, and the other is getting my crafty on! I can take no credit for being the creative mind behind my creations - I merely saw what others had done through pinterest or online somewhere - and just put the work into making them. 


The first holiday I tried this year was Hallowe'en. One of my favourites, I wanted to do something special this year for our house (named Arkham Manor), but have never been a fan of what a friend describes as "Orange Christmas." To me, Hallowe'en decorations shouldn't be inflatable, but kind of spooky and more "real" than cheerful Christmas-style ones. I also needed something that I thought would be easy based on materials. I went with creepy window silhouettes. My dad was working on a new apartment building at the time and was able to snag me water-heater boxes that I could use. The result was very successful - I had parents and kids telling me how great the house looked. And even a few weeks ago a neighbour I saw mentioned my great Hallowe'en decorations. 

 

One of my other favourite parts of Hallowe'en is the costumes. I love dress-up, love costumes, and want to do something special every year. But when you're preggers, it's hard to plan a costume around a body that is expanding at a rate you're just not sure of. So I saw this really cute idea for myself and set to working making it.

I thought the baby skeleton was cute, and the shirt only cost a few dollars at Salvation Army, and the paint a few more at Michael's crafts. As you can see, my little guy is wearing something that is obviously a DIY costume (because let's face it, I'm not that good yet). I thought sewing - how hard can it be? Hard! That one little costume took many many lunch hours at work to complete. But he is clearly the cutest Musketeer that ever was!

Next came Christmas. I also get pretty excited for this holiday, as I love the spirit of the season, I guess you could say. I like doing something a little extra nice for people and adding a personal touch to their gifts when I can. But since I'm a novice DIYer, it needs to be cheap and easy. I saw a really simple but pretty ornament I could make, followed the instructions, and it turned out really neat.

It's simply a glass ornament with popcorn popped on the inside in the microwave, with a red ribbon added. Easy to make but pretty cool, and cheap. I made them for my co-workers this year.

My husband is a computer nerd who never provides Christmas suggestions for gifts. So I went to Google again and saw a neat ornament made from RAM that looked pretty easy. The university I work at has a "surplus" site where you can bid on old office equipment that departments are clearing out. I saw a computer that had no front USB ports (in fact it had a floppy disk drive) and no working power source. I bid one dollar and got it, then gutted it for the RAM and turned it into something unique to hang on our tree.

 

Finally, I have a good friend doing her PhD at the moment. While scrolling facebook one day, this blog appeared for a "Graduate School Barbie" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-zgoda/graduate-student-barbie_b_4184482.html).  Between my degrees and my job at the university, I've been in academia for over 10 years now and thought everything the author of the blog had to say was pretty accurate of the grad student experience. And very funny. I picked up a cheap Barbie at Wal-Mart and replaced her fun party dress and flashy purse for a sensible shirt and skirt combo I made (thought the material for the skirt was pretty grad-school-ish), and gave the box a make-over. My friend enjoys her new toy!

So those have been my DIY adventures. I must say, it's very hard work. I'm happy all my crafting can come to an end for a few months. I don't know how people who do it full-time sustain the energy to keep it going. I'll stick with cooking for a little while now - it's not quite as time consuming and my son likes to help. Writing is just so much easier, but at least I know that when my life is this hectic (and about to get a lot more so in 2 months), I still have a creative flame that can't be extinguished.

Hallowe'en plans and DIY

Hallowe’en is coming and it is one of my favourite times of the year. Fall has such a distinct atmosphere that I love. The crisp air, the beautiful leaves and colours, and the pumpkins. As usual, I’m flooded with inspiration for Hallowe’en; costumes, decorations, carvings, and so on. It happens every year, and every year I usually can’t get to half of what I would like to because other than building a house, I have very little DIY experience. But kids are money pits, so to save money this year I’m trying to make a lot stuff that I might have once bought. It seems to succeed at DIY, you need to be able to plan ahead and be resourceful. Both are characteristics I have, so might as well put them to good, money-saving use!

The first is to get an early start. Back in September I decided what I would do for the house. My big plan for the house is to have all the windows decorated with creepy silhouettes. During my lunch hours I’ve been scouring the internet, getting ideas of what would look fun and a little scary. Being rather un-artistic when it comes to drawing, I’ve relied on others to think of things / draw things for me, and I’m making vain attempts to trace them onto water-heater boxes my Dad has brought home for me from his latest job site (yay free resources!). Victor has been helping with the tracing, though I think I may have introduced him to crayons a little early, as many windows, the coffee table, the dryer door, and occasionally the floor have all been treated with his artwork as a result. And sometimes he likes to chew on them. I found my tissue paper at the dollar store and got it last weekend – nothing will be sold out for my great Hallowe’en dreams as a  result of waiting till the last minute.

Other than pumpkins, the other scare I want to give my trick-or-treaters is creepy eyes in the dark woods. My driveway is surrounded by woods on both side and I came across a really neat idea. You take toilet-paper rolls, cut out eyes in them, and insert glow sticks. Hide them in the trees and it will look like creepy eyes are watching them in the dark. Again, dollar store has me covered – you can buy 10 mini-glow sticks, the perfect size, for $2.

The one thing I'm not doing this year due to time and energy is candy apples. Usually I give them out, but this year I just won't have the energy while also trying to keep Victor entertained. So instead I'm giving out full bars. I remember when full bars used to be a huge thing. I know the whole free candy part of Hallowe'en isn't what it used to be as kids get candy all the time now, but I still want to make it worth while and fun. It's easy for me to do, as we only get about 25-40 kids, and have a cost-co membership. But even if we didn't, the dollar store has some full bars for 50 cents each. I'm all about the extra-special element. 

And finally, we need costumes. I've struggled over what to dress Victor in, as I plan to take him around to a few houses just to try it out (plus, he's always wondering onto the neighbour's yards anyway). It will also be the last year I get to decide what he wants to wear. I found a dragon costume at Salvation Army, but alas it has a hood for the dragon head and Victor won't keep that on. So I came across a Musketeer costume. Basically it's blue fabric with a white lining and white French cross in the centre. Add to it a dollar-store hat with the side glued up, and a big feather, as we have a costume that will fit over his clothes and he'll probably keep on. And it's cool and interesting! My costume will be simpler, but I plan to make the shirt that has both mine and baby's skeleton. The really big cost in both of these costumes and all my other plans will be time, as the materials I bought at Salvation Army or the dollar store for a few dollars. But with my hour and a half lunch break, I should be able to make it work and all come together for October 31st! 

Happy Hallowe'en, and I'll let you know how it all turns out!

Why my Book Won't be Published with Bryler, and Hope...

It is with sadness that I must tell the world that my book, Into the Walls of Madness, will not be published with the company it was supposed to be published with. Here are the reasons why:

The company that was supposed to publish the book was Bryler, which was owned by Cynthia-Ann McMurray. This company has now apparently gone under. But it is not just me who has suffered greatly from dealing with this company, and the subsequent fallout of it - several other authors have been through emotional hell like I have.

For over two years, I tried to be in constant contact with the company that agreed to publish my book. But, release date after release date was pushed back. Or ignored, with no notice to me. If I didn’t get in touch with them, no one from the company got in touch with me. I got pregnant, brought Victor into the world, and still nothing from the company in substantial ways to move my book forward. It wasn’t until shortly after Victor was born that I received a fully edited copy. I spent copious napping hours my son had working on the book. In the evening, my husband would watch him so I could work on the book and finish it by mid-summer, then re-submit it to the company. I put so much time and money (driving around, getting photo permissions, etc.) into this book. And then, September 2012 came and still nothing. No sign that this book would be done anytime soon.

Around early 2013, a few authors contacted me, asking about the book’s progress, and my experience with the company. And, you see, this is where it was a little complicated. When we signed our contracts with Bryler, there was a clause in there that said we were not supposed to discuss our experience with the company. The lawyers who since reviewed my contract (after Bryler had broken it by not actually publishing the book), informed me that would not hold up legally. People are allowed to talk about their experience and their contract. So when other authors came to me, and told me of their struggles and loss of hope with the company, I started to talk to them, too. I told them about the stress, the constant delays, the constant excuses for these delays, the times when no one answered the phone, no one responded to my emails, etc. Of the pain that came from dealing with Ms. McMurray on a personal and emotional level. Other authors told me that all the staff had quit. One staff member left because she had not been paid – and I can say that, because that staff member took Ms. McMurray to court as a result, and won. But it took her months to do so, because Ms. McMurray came up with several last minute reasons not to appear to her court date. Ms. McMurray and Bryler have now lost three court cases as a result of her business actions.

Bryler charged some authors varying amounts to publish their book (some authors had a traditional agreement of the company covering all costs). And by varying, I mean that they could have covered the printing charge, of about $3-4,000, or they could have had that charge and pay for an illustrator (an extra few thousand), if they were writing a children’s book. Or they could have had to pay for everything, as a few authors did (Cary Baker admitted to paying $18,000 for 1000 copies in a recent article about the company). Authors were supposed to receive royalties from the sales of their book, very generous ones in light of the money they put up for the publishing of the book. And yet, only of the authors I have spoken to, which is not all authors, none of them did. There is now a warning on the Better Business Bureau about this company and Cynthia McMurray.

One author, who was not involved with the company, wrote some blogs about what their author friends were going through with Bryler. It was the first time the authors had a public chance to talk about our stresses with the company. However, Ms. McMurray threatened legal action against this person for posting about her company, unless the author removed all posts and wrote an apology. I guess that is what has promoted me to write this. So much has been taken away from these authors without hope of getting what they are owed; it is not right that their voices are also silenced. The legal system, which seems useless to help the authors who are out so much financially and emotionally, seems to provide protection to the person who has done the wrong. Well, I have also talked with a lawyer, and I know that I am legally able to write about my experience.

Since my falling out with Bryler, the company has, according to Ms. McMurray, closed. Yet not gone bankrupt. Thus all those authors who were in thousands with the company are simply left out in the cold, with no chance of recovering the thousands they paid for their books, or getting the royalties that are owed to them. The legal system will not help them because they signed a contract. Yet it will protect Bryler and Ms. McMurray. To me, that seems horribly wrong, and no wonder people would  feel broken, abused and seriously hurt after something like that. And then to have their voices silenced... well, that is just too wrong.

Now, Ms. McMurray is offering to give the books back to some of the authors. Others have had to get lawyers involved to retrieve their books. All authors I have spoken to who have gotten their books back have had to sign confidentiality agreements (again) that they will never speak of their experience with the company or Ms. McMurray. But I have no books to get back. All I have is wasted years, time, money and resources, with no hope of getting any compensation from the company. I am sad, and angry, and extremely disheartened. But I am forging on.

The best I can say is that through this, I have met some amazing and supportive people who, like me, were hurt by this experience. And I will not give up on this project. A few months ago, I took the day off and prepared new submissions of this work. It was hard, I can tell you. But I did it. I’m a very determined person, and with Kipling’s “If” by my side to keep me going when the going got tough, I sent them out. Now I wait, and hope that something good will come out of this. Because hope is such a beautiful human emotion. We can lose so much, go through so much pain, but always, if we can still have hope, we can still survive.