Who is this woman?

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today. She is so intuitive in her role and always able to show me clearly what is muddling around in my mind. When I saw her this morning I told her I’ve been feeling frustrated lately because I haven’t been able to exercise as much as I want. The weather (sidewalks made of ice) and the baby/daycare plagues have been making it impossible to get in more than three work-outs a week. Not great when trying to lose weight!

So she went through some cogitative therapy with me. The first thing to do when feeling frustrated is to accept it. Then generalize that many other people are feeling this way. There was a rally about the damn sidewalks, so I’m sure others are feeling annoyed, too! Reach out and share in their frustration, and take comfort from the fact that I am not alone. Then look for ways to survive it and move on past it.

She also talked about the different identities that make up Deanna the Adult and how to manage them. One of my depression and frustration triggers comes about when one of my identities is being neglected. So what makes up Deanna the adult?

1.     Mother. I am a mom first and foremost. The kids are my life and this massive role has all but squashed all my others. Some women adapt to the identity of being a mom and don’t lament the loss of what else was there before kids, but others, like me, struggle with the fact that they have lost so much of what they once were.

2.     Wife. I love my husband and we’re one of those couples that would always prefer to stay in and cuddle with a movie than spend money out on the town. We used to spend time together, even if it was just him watching UFC while I sat next to him reading. I need that physical contact for relaxation and reassurance. We went from kissing several times a day to maybe twice a day if we’re lucky. It’s been a hard adjustment!

3.     Writer. Writing was basically like having kids for me. I devoted the majority of my free time for it. I’ve written a few novels and some non-fiction manuscripts. It’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember. And then three years ago it was taken away from me. Not that Victor and William aren’t worth it, but I do miss writing. More and more the longer I go without it. It was a huge part of my emotional well being.

4.     Athlete. I’ve started running and love it. Same goes for Yoga. But I need time to do that, and lately I’ve been hindered by the weather and my various plagues. I need to be active to keep my healthy choices going, otherwise I’ll sustain myself on chocolate, cheese and bread.

5.     Wiccan. This isn’t a huge part of my life, but I do find my tarot spreads very calming and thoughtful. The wiccan faith suits me perfectly and I’m proud to call myself wiccan. But without time to practice, I do start to feel a little detached from the magic around me.

6.     Cook. This is a new one. It came about while being on maternity leave and watching cooking shows with Victor. I discovered it filled a bit of the void that writing left and I really enjoy it. But with two little kids, even Victor helping me, I don’t really have the opportunity to sip a glass of wine while I prepare a gourmet meal on a regular basis.

7.     Dalhousie Employee. I will say that I love my job, my coworkers, and doing a good job of what I’m getting paid to do.

My psychiatrist said that frustration is often born when one of these identities is not getting enough attention, and that makes a lot of sense. She said it’s important that when I feel frustrated I look inside and try to understand which part of me it is that’s feeling neglected. Then bring it forward, even if it’s for a short time, to give it the attention it is craving. Once I start to do that my frustration and even depression will start to dissipate.

She also said it’s important to make time for Deanna the Adult, because managing all those identities isn’t easy. I’m thinking a massage might be in my near future : )

Thinking about what makes me me has been very therapeutic, and I think it will go a long way in dealing with the various frustrations I feel from the sense of loss of my various identities. It is a great practice, too, for anyone. This about what makes you who you are, how you identify yourself, and really listen to your frustrations to understand which part of you is feeling neglected. Try giving it some attention, and see how you’re left feeling.

Weight Loss = sucks!

I like a challenge. I'm a goal-orientated person and there is usually something I'm working towards that when I get started I will finish. Usually it's writing-related, but with a 3 and 1 year old, my writing life is pretty much on hiatus for the next few years. So I've turned my attention from emotional/mental/imaginary purging (i.e. writing) to physical purging (i.e. that extra baby weight).

Weight loss is hard. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. There is no fab diet, no perfect exercise, and trust me, no amount of wishing will make the weight disappear. Like most women, I've taken up this challenge before with varying levels of commitment and success. But there are now added hurdles than when I was 18. I've had two kids, take sleeping medication that often causes weight gain, and am 30 (soon to be 31). So I have those issues combined with all the normal difficulties that come with weight loss. 

The hardest part is the waiting. Like I said, there is no quick fix. It is a slow process that can yield great results, but patience is a virtue with this goal. And something I do not have a lot of! I want to see the results immediately. That's partly based on the impatient person that I am, and partly based on how our society functions nowadays. We need the instant results, but they just don't come when trying to slim down. I want to wake up tomorrow and have all my old clothes not only fit, but be too big. Like other people, I find this very frustrating and at times discouraging. You're doing all you can, working hard and cutting out all the food you love, only to have no results after a month or two. It is frustrating, and it does make me want to say "fuck it" sometimes and eat a whole bag of nibs. I think "it's not working, why keep trying?" So not only is losing weight a physical challenge, it also requires some emotional and mental discipline.

I'm taking this so seriously I'm counting calories, and trying for putting more out than I take in. I've heard from doctors that it will give positive results. There are some difficulties with it, though. I don't like my veggies. Never have, so when I'm calorie counting that is extra hard. Veggies have little calories for lots of food, but unfortunately they have never really been my thing. I've discovered the ultimate truth: calories = flavour. The more calories, usually the better something tastes. And don't drink juice, but I cut that little fattener out mid-summer and now drink 2L of water a day. This again is where the discipline comes in.

Finally there is exercise. I love to be active. I'm lucky enough to work at Dal, where I have access to a free private shower and an hour for lunch so I can get a good cardio workout in. I had been running 5K since Christmas, but Halifax is not doing so well with sidewalk management. I don't have time to run at home, and now I don't have a place to run during my lunch hour. My boss suggested I try doing stairs. My office is attached to the Tupper Building - Dalhousie's 16 story medical facility. I started off running up the stairs, and after 3 flights was exhausted and needed a breather. But I made it up, and down, and did it for a total of 4 times! that's 64 flights of stairs I conquered. And if the weather is any indication, I'll be doing it tomorrow, too. Again, weight loss does not come quick. If you start working out and don't see immediate results, that's normal but tough to deal with. Find alternatives when you're slowed down and don't give up. I am not looking forward to those stairs tomorrow, but I am looking forward to looking like my pre-baby self in a bathing suit again! (maybe even a little bit better this time!)

It is super easy to get discouraged and super hard to deal with whatever issues you have with your body. But one of my mantra's while I'm working out is: "I'm not doing this to look good while I do it, but to look good when I'm trying to." Find something that works for you. I often think of the scene in the Empire Strikes Back, when Yoda lifts the ship out of the swamp using the force and Luke says "I don't believe it." Yoga replies with "That is why you fail." I never believed I could run 5K without stopping, and now I've registered for my first run (Mud Hero). It sounds super cheesy, but if you want to be successful (with weight loss or whatever), you have to acknowledge your limitations, find ways to deal with them, and never stop believing that you can do it. Because that is when your fail.

The Brutal Truth: What only a Mom thinks while Running

I read this link (http://www.iloverunningmagazine.com/stories/running-jokes/thoughts-that-every-runner-has-during-a-run/)  about thoughts that runners have and felt that most of them are true. But after having kids, there are definitely some thoughts that are quite different than before. And they are not pleasant. They are not polite. They will probably offend some people. But they are the honest truth, and what only another mom can relate to.

 Here is my list of what a mom thinks when she runs:



1. Ok, I’ve looked at my ass from every possible angle in the mirror – no one can see the giant pad I’m wearing for pee protection
2. Oh no, that person looked at me, they must be able to see my pad
3. It’s ok, just get onto the path and not many people will be able to see you
4. Shit this sucks
5. Can’t do it today, too hard
6. Keep going, almost there
7. Really?
8. No, you haven’t even finished your first of five laps yet
9. Just get up this hill
10. Down hill, wee!
11. Oh no, lots of pee
12. Still lots of pee
13. Can people see it?
14. Maybe if I bend down and pretend to check my shoe, I can look at my crotch to make sure there is no visible pee
15. Yay no pee came through!
16. Keep running
17. Oh no, does my bra feel wet?
18. Is it sweat, or are my boobs leaking?
19. Ok, just flick the shirt like you’re hot, and have a quick peek.
20. Yay no milk came through!
21. This is too hard
22. Keep going, can’t be one of those moms who gains 50lbs after having kids
23. Just can’t be that woman!
24. “Remember her, she used to be so thin before kids….”
25. No, I won’t let that be me!
26. Shouldn’t you just be comfortable in your own body?
27. Shut up brain
28. Focus on running
29. Why did that guy just look at me, did pee come through yet?
30.  No, I’ve been through this many times, I’m fine!
31. Why do I even have to run? Why do women have to deal with this? Isn’t it enough that we go through the horrific pain of childbirth, destroy our bodies for our children, have saggy, leaky boobs and wider hips? Shouldn’t we just be rewarded with “wow, you’ve gone through all that? Have your old body back.”
32. Men don’t understand
33. Why am I doing this? My husband still thinks I’m beautiful and perfect
34. Aww, hubby
35. I miss him
36. I miss spending time with him on the couch, watching a movie over a glass of wine.
37. How can I live with someone and miss them so much?
38. He’s so amazing and supportive
39. He should have the best wife in the world
40. Not one with a saggy gross tummy
41. Not that he cares, but I care
42. Is it wrong to want to be sexy again?
43. No, keep running!
44. I do want to be sexy again!
45. Come on, hill! I’m going to make you by bitch
46. Down hill, wee
47. Oh no, more pee
48. Is it wrong to want to be a hot mom?
49. Not even hot, I’ll settle for “mildly attractive” again
50. At least I’ve got my daily allotment of one piece of chocolate waiting for me after this
51. Oh chocolate, I miss you, too. But we can’t have the kind of relationship we used to have 10 years ago
52. God, has it been that long since my undergrad? Since highschool?
53. But I have two wonderful kids now, and a house and husband
54. And love handles and pudge everywhere
55. Ok, almost done. One more hill
57. Pump it, come on!
57. Woo, top of the final hill!
58. Just downhill till the end
59. Oh no, more pee
60. Finished my run!
61. And….. yay, no pee showed!