Dig your way out with words.
Lift one up and put it down. Keep digging, we’re not even close yet. Totally
trapped in this cave of insanity. Everything is coming at me, covered in a
heavy layer of dusty madness. Try to brush it off but that just gets it under
the skin. I can’t get it off in here. There is no clean air, there is no
cleansing water. It is stale and hot and I can’t breathe. Why would my mind put
me here? How did I even get here? Am I so weak to change? Something is
different and everything falls through these cracks. I can’t remember it all! I
have too much to remember. Sneakers, music, pass, food, kid’s clothes, so much.
Routine keeps it all together. Change it and I get locked in this cave.
How the hell do I get out of
here? I’m so lost and broken. So broken. Covered in cracks that the dust get in
to. How can I get out? Lift another word, maybe? Look, you won’t get out just
by sitting in here and wishing for a way out, wishing and lamenting on how
broken you are. Another layer of dust. Screams to get it off. Want to squirm
and cry out, writhe on the ground to get it off but that won’t help. It won’t
help! So deal with it. Screaming WON’T HELP! Deal with it, Empress. Get past
this. Why does it feel like I can’t?
Find a way. Find a way and we’ll
get out of here. Just want to get out of here. Please… crying won’t help,
either. The rage, the sadness, the anxiety – none of that will free you. I can
hear it raining on the other side of the rock wall. If I could just get to it.
. . just get out of this cave that I can never seem to escape from.
Lift another word. They are
so heavy and there are too many. I’m a tornado in a cave. I can spin all I want
and cause intense destruction, but I will still be stuck here when I burn out.
I can scratch at the rocks but that will just leave me sore and bloody. It
won’t change. Then how do I get out? Physical prowess doesn’t matter here.
Everything that makes up this
wall is small and awkward. There are no short cuts. No way to lift more than
one at a time. So, there must be only one way, then. Persistence. If I just
keep doing it, I’ll get out of here. Just keep breathing. Even though you’re
covered with the dust. If feels thick and heavy, it feels suffocating, but
there will never be enough to seize you into immobility as long as you
keep moving. Keep moving, keep digging. If you stop, if you use your energy in
the bursts of frustration you will get no further and only lose precious
strength and time.
Focus, come with me. Keep
lifting. Go through it, and the pile becomes larger behind you than in front of
you. The rocks are now damp with that rain you so desire. If you just keep
going, keep things going slowly, you will get there.
Don’t let a quick fix seduce
you. Don’t give into the anger. The anger is so raw. It is not a normal anger.
It is a ferocious rage. Can’t stress enough how powerful this anger is to
someone who has never know it. And how seductive. That release that comes when you give in. When you finally explode and
let free the destruction. It is tempting, even more so in this cave. Keeping it
back, forcing yourself to keep digging slowly and carefully, is a battle so few
experience, and even fewer understand.
Frustration. That’s a heavy one to lift. It’s the root of all of
this, isn’t it? All of me, all of this madness. What a horrible thought, to
think that your core is nothing but a knotted ball of twisted metal. No, there
must be more to me than that. Pick up that word and move it away. So close now.
But it falls, it’s so heavy and wet, and crushes part of me as it lands. But
that’s okay. It marks me up on the outside, bruises and scars, makes me bleed
tears of blood and water, but it does not penetrate. It’s an outside word. And
that’s what I’m digging through. The outside words. The words that try to hurt
and keep you buried in this horrible place.
Keep digging. Cry if you
must, but keep digging. The rocks are smaller now. But the rain from outside is
making them slippery. It’s hard to get a grip. The dark rain is what you seek,
but remember that bit of Sunny you once had in your life. The last 5% is often the hardest, and most important.
A small tumble of stones. You
have moved so many big ones, the little ones are tumbling down on their own
now. Falling around your feet as you walk over them. And you are walking over
them. We’re not going that deep into this cave EVER AGAIN! We’re going to get
out of here for good. We’re going to focus on the inside words. Strength,
compassion, joy and love.
The hole is now big enough to
squirm through. There are a few words that dig in, leaving scratches that will
take a while to heal, but they will heal. You’ve made it out. The air is fresh
and cool. The rain washes all the dust away. It melts off your skin, pooling on
the ground below. You are shining in this clean water. The dust from the misery
is gone. Some got under the skin and will be there for more than a day, more
than a week and even more than a month, but it will be pushed out. My body will
cleanse itself of the murky madness. The inside words will purge all that is
left of the outside ones. The ones I had to dig through to get clean again. To
get back to me.
